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Father's Day inspiration

When I think of you,
I try not to think of all the bad things too.

It becomes harder to remember without trying to forget.
I've come this far in my life, but I haven't made it yet.

I've traveled shore to shore,
and I've found nothing more,
to help me understand these things that made me so unsure.

I needed your guidance, your advice, and your help..
but I couldn't find you when you couldn't find yourself.

I'm breaking at the britches and I'm at the end of my line.
I could no longer take these empty promises and lies.









~hopefully you're still out there and still safe~ happy father's day...

moving and moving on

I've felt kinda sad today and the last few days. Or maybe it's just mainly from feeling slightly overwhelmed at the same time. This girl called me and came to see the apartment Tuesday night and yesterday after she decided she wanted to move in I started packing last night. It's going to save me a lot more money to move but I really wasn't prepared or ready to I guess. Usually I know much more in advance I'm going to move and start packing things and I've found a new place. Even though all that stuff is a huge pain it's kind of the process I go through each year and I feel more ready for the whole thing. I'm moving in with some friends I guess but they're more of acquaintances more than anything and I'm moving into their house. So I just don't feel as excited for everything yet or feel like I really have a place there. Someone is subleasing the room I will have for the fall because I didn't think it'd be able to sublease my house to move in right away. So if anything I'll be living in this kinda crappy makeshift attic spot and still paying half rent.

Otherwise I'm going to store my stuff there and just go home for the summer I guess. The only thing that sucks is my job wasn't really available on short notice but I could still get about 20 hrs a week back at the bank. So I won't be making a ton this summer but I'll still be saving on rent, utilities, and food. Otherwise I'm not getting a whole lot of hours at the daycare down here so I'd need to get a second job or just quit and work full time somewhere else all together.

It's just a lot of decisions in a short amount of time since I'll be moving my stuff out Saturday morning. I just feel kind of sad like I've been more attached to this place like it was more my own than my previous houses. Or just that I don't feel as excited for the move like I usually do. I've just felt sad like I'm leaving something behind here especially moving without Baby. I still miss him soo much. ;.; It's just so sad thinking of him not being in the small bathroom sink or his first and only christmas here. Packing up the Christmas stuff and seeing the ornaments and stuff.

I don't know I just feel like the next year of my life is still half up in the air what's going to happen after that. I'm kind of scared where I'll be going after that. It's already less than a year away before I'll have to be making some sort of plan. Uncertainty just makes me a little nervous.
interesting quote idk what i think of a lot of things right now. im kinda disappointed as a whole. i've just felt stuck with a lot of things for the last year. its hard to see what i'm working towards anymore. i just feel like not caring about school or work or relationships or anything. i was walking back from school and as stupid as it sounds what i was thinking was i just want the feeling of being carried with the tide or something i don't want to make plans about anything anymore. i just feel like a drifter or something. idk when i was over seas it was the least time of my life in the last year or two that i felt dragged down. i mean maybe because everything was new and i had so much more to explore about myself and all the new opportunities that were there. i felt proud of myself with how much i accomplished but being home and in milwaukee i feel like a slug. like whats the point in doing well to get out of school? i don't have any plans for after school anyway. i just want to postpone the inevitable. since my junior year of highschool i felt like i had all these plans and knew the steps i needed to take to get there. you could have thrown one of those dumb essays about "where will you be in 5- 10 years?" and i had very good detailed answers. now i think of this person i am now and how my life has changed and i have no clue. i don't want to be this person i would have looked at two years ago and been like what's your problem fucking get it together. idk i need some goals i need to find some reason to want to succeed in things again because i need more than this; i don't want to be on this dead end road. i just go in spurts sometimes i'm like i'm going to do better and even try to be this better person but it just feels too overwhelming and i want to give up too easily. idk i got to figure it out hopefully before it gets worse because i do want things to get better

MY EYES ARE MELTING!!!!!!!!

I swear I've been on my computer for 5 days straight writing this god damn paper. I HATE PAPERS!!! This thing has taken over my soul. I've read so much crap online and I have 6 books from the library that I've been reading for 2 weeks putting stickies on pages and writing quotes. FUCK I'm pretty much done I just don't want to site it thats all thats left hopefully that takes up almost half a page to make it look fuller. DAR i feel brain dead I took a two hour nap before work at 7 this morning and I've been doing my homework since then. POOOOOOOOP

I brought katamari music to work today and made a michelle inspired xmas card for my japanese co worker. She really liked music she could actually understand and we listened to shingo mamma but then the douchey older lady turned it off and was like i dont think this is very appropriate music for right now. even though shingo mamma is the only hyper song on the track and the kids were all playing no one was taking a nap. kinda pissed me off since all week we have to listen to tribal music and enya but we cant listen to jazzy-techno kid friendly music. i think she got a little confused and offended when riko tried to explain how he dresses up but i think she took it as a cross dresser pedophile type person. lame

other than work thats it really i just have to cite this damn thing and email it then i can finally shower and go to bed. then i have to do some crap, pack and im out of here...

leaving for london

im so tired already and i have about 27 hours left of straight traveling till im back in chicago or close to milwaukee. i might try to get on a stand by flight if its at all possible when i get to london tonight but if theres a connecting flight and a possibility my luggage might get lost i guess ill just wait it out till the morning tomorrow,leave my luggage in the airport, and explore as much of the city as i can. its weird since last night ive been completely alone. i met with a girl from school for lunch i guess. but its weird to be going your separate way and be completely alone again. i just hate that it takes SOO LONG to get home.

im afraid of forgeting this place. i was just sitting in the park this morning laying on a bench listening to a guy play spainsh music on a guitar looking at the monuments and the birds in the sky. just laying there thinking ill have pictures to look at to remember it but will i really remember that moment?the sounds the weather the smell. i guess even though i want to come home i dont want to leave a little bit either. its like a place i might never return to or get to show others. where i stayed went to school and walked everyday.i think im going to buy sleeping pills for the plane overseas i want to be OUT. ok well time to get home maybe take a quick shower and get on the subway to the airport. :/ and ill be back on american soil soon

este semana estoy muy preocupada

ok its been insane since i got here well and even before that. mild update depending how much time i have before my roomate gets home. - I'm using her computer and i still have to eat, do a paper, some homework, and get ready for bed so i can get up at 8 am. its actually almost 11pm our time here.

k i thought it was going to be really hard to do the airport things alone and everything but in chicago it was such a breeze i showed a few ppl my passport got some papers, went through some check points, got on the plane, not a big deal. the flight was like 12-13 hours and it wasnt really that bad i was a little bored and i was sitting to this kid who was about in his 20's but i found out he didnt really speak english so we didnt talk the whole flight. at times i was like why am i doing this its scary oh man im alone. cuz i didnt talk to anyone besides airport personel for like 30 hours. i flew over dublin and the eiffel and landed in paris. it was only 45 degrees there and i found out the airport is so new its still under construction. the trip was still not bad. well i get there and i need my next boarding pass. cuz i had e tickets so they print them out right at the gates for me. well i get there show them all my shit just like in chicago and i watch everyone else do it and go through the lines. the lady just tells me no when its my turn. what- what do you mean no? i need a pass and i show her my existing pass that i used to get to paris and say i need a new one for my next flight. she looks at it and says this says from chicago to paris you're in paris. me- yes i know i need a new one where do i get one then? from then on no one spoke to me in any sort of usefull english. some people pointed me to the basement where there were car rentals and nothing else. not alot of help im glad i had a 3 hour lay over it took me almost that whole damn time to figure out my tickets and my terminal especially since they changed the terminal 30 min before i had to board the plane.

the rest was easy got to madrid got my luggage and waited around for other people in my class to arrive and we all took a taxi to the school i thought. well it was a hostel but it was nice. we stayed one night in the hostel just to get orientated so that was kinda a relief not to just get sent off to my homestay, shower, eat tour the city a little and rest a night before meeting them.

next day- go to meet our family ( one girl from the program is also staying at my house) and no one answers the door after we are dropped off from the taxi. we dont know what to do and wait 30 min and my roomate went to use a pay phone to call our teacher and this girl finally shows up. shes 22 and her name is Rubi. she was really nice and we're supposed to be living with her, her grandma, and her mom. well Rubi doesnt actually live here its just her mom's house. but 2 other girls 20 & 22 live here and pay rent to go to school in madrid they're other spanish girls and we also have a guy from texas here whos 25+ ? i cant remember. Oh and our mom isnt here she's in amsterdam for vaccation for another week and our grandma is crazy with alzheimer's meaning she doesnt remember anything for more than 5 min at a time. shes really nice though and ive only seen her twice since ive moved in. so we're under no supervision really.

the third day i was here was my first day of class. which i just happened to get awesomely sick for. i was fine every other day but the first day of school i felt icky waking up, but i hopped in the shower and felt better and went outside and still felt fine. once i started to enter the metro underground i started to feel like overwhelmed and faint though. i got in the metro and instantly started to feel worse. i only made it 2 stops from my house before i started to throw up. it was so FRICKEN NASTY!! ive never had to hold myself back like that but i really didnt want to just throw up on people in the subway. i had to swallow 3 times before i could get out then i threw up in the garbage can when i got off. then i was fine and had to find a restaurant to blow my nose and rinse out my mouth and i continued on to school. got to school took my placement test still felt like shit and had an oral exam with the professors. while they were scoring the tests we were going to take a walking tour around the area of the school in the city. i only made it to the corner and was in the hot sun and heat and i started to feel like i was going to pass out again. so i thought i should go back to the school and sit where it was air conditioned. i only made it a little bit and started throwing up again in the street this time. yep it was beautiful. everyone looked at me like i was this crazy drunken american tourist or something. but since that everythings been fine. i actually love school my teachers are SOO AWESOME. im learning soo much already since being here. i thought it was going to be scary and everything but its not intimidating at all and theres only 6 people in each class so you get a lot of one on one. not at all like UWM. its mostly all verbal and my roomates only speak hardly any english + our maid is crazy and wont let us talk any english either. i can see its best for trying to learn the spanish to only speak it but its harder sometimes. well i got a paper to write and possibly a crabby roomate coming home. so im off to do things and go to bed i have another crazy day ahead of me!

something to do

Comment to this post and:
1. I'll respond with something random about you
2. I'll challenge you to try something
3. I'll pick a color that I associate with you
4. I'll tell you something I like about you
5. I'll tell you my first/clearest memory of you
6. I'll tell you what animal you remind me of
7. I'll ask you something I've always wanted to ask you
8. If I do this for you, you must post this in your journal.

From Michelle
1. BWLWUWLUWLWUWUW HASTERS.BALL HAIR
2. We should try some lesbo action, it would be HAWT.
3. Maroonish purple.
4. I love that youre like me and just are stupid and can act like an idiot and do whatever.
5. First memory of you is when you came into the dorm and you had i think johnny and someone else with you and you were going swimming and you came to get your suit. O and talking to you on the phone for the first time.
6. A chipmunk, but not like the rylan kind of chipmunk just a cute little energetic one.
7. what havent i asked you.....lol
*COPY STUFF:

my passport
emergency contact info
my insurance card
EVERYTHING IN MY WALLET
copy of my acceptance letter
travelers checks when i get them

*PACK SHIT

*Get international student ID card at the study abroad office

*PAYMENTS
Time Warner and WE energies bills when I get them

rent june & july $1064 because ppl are gay
Get $440 each from richard and brad to pay for Jackie's Gay RENT

Cash bellas check when I get it
Empty savings to pay for plane ticket and camera-pay dad

Pay the rest of the tuition

*Get bus pass

*Call John to tell him we're not living there anymore etc

*Write Jackie a fucking email to get money for bills, get keys, and tell her to die

*SHOOT SELF IN THE FACE

shitty poop dumps

i think i went to bed around 3 if youd even consider me laying on the couch sleeping now its 6 and i cant sit there any longer. i need cough drops or something my throat hurts and i still have body aches. i dont want to have to go back to norris and be like something is still wrong. i hope it continues to be shitty out till around 12 at least. then i wont have to go to tennis. i have no idea what to do rt now.

house hunting house hunting house hunting

so this weekend ive called like a million + people already, looked through the ads, and visited 2 so far with about 8 on my list to look at in the next few days. shit im worried about my homework when am i going to have time to finish it i just remembered. but anyway the first one seems like so perfect and its always hard to find the place that is the one that has everything you plus what you want but then theres always that one little thing that makes it hardly do-able for some other reason. this place i looked at is perfect its right on newhall close to campus, free laundry, free parking a garage and lot spaces, 2 baths nice, 3 bedrooms Really Nice and big!, sky lights, french doors, can have pets, has an upstairs nook area like the size of the bedroom, no creepy basement, fenced in backyard, etc etc you know but its like $1800? V.V pretty far over our budget unless rylan would really pay like an extra $200 for like his own master bedroom. I want to see if i can barter the guy down for a little and i would never consider doing such a thing in the past but he seemed nice and had only 1 other group of guys come look at it and it was 5 unrelated people that he himself said he felt shifty or concerned about. But we'd be legal and i completely made it known we're good quiet responsible kids. so maybe ill see if i can assure him and pay a higher security deposit or something? itd be soo nice.

otherwise i got alot of other places still to look at and we'll see. i have to let him know soon though. the other places i want to feel out the landlords and see what they might think about pets even if their sites said no. im looking at this place on summit tomorrow thats like a street off of lake dr. FANCY! has 2 new baths, fireplaces, HWF, laundry etc and its only $1200-$300 per person without rylans bitch fee. so fingers crossed! im excited and stressed i love house hunting if i have the time and fewer restrictions. i hate getting disappointed though after i have my heart set on a place. i wish i knew what was going on with everyone else though that makes it hard too and the last week of school and the 239732584733987534 million tons of hw i have this week and finishing up stuff for study abroad. just lots to worry about.

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